A Bad Day for Jesus

Following is an imagined conversation between God the Father, and Jesus the Son on May 21, 2011:

Father: It’s time, my Son.

Jesus: Time for what now?

Father: It’s May 21, 2011. Time for the Rapture. You know… Judgment Day.

Harold Camping, Endtimes PrognosticatorJesus: Wait… what? You mean that psycho on the radio was right??

Father: Yep… Harold Camping nailed it. And you know, if you’d paid a little more attention in Hebrew School, you might have known the date yourself.

Jesus: But I was valedictorian!

Father: Out of what? Eight students? Valedictorian of Nazareth Synagogue and Tannery… very nice.

Jesus: It’s not my fault… I didn’t write those prophecies.

Father: And did you really have to admit that you didn’t know the day or the hour? It’s been exactly 7,000 years since the Flood, for your sake! Talk about obvious…

Jesus: What? I thought that was next year!

Father: You counted the year zero again, didn’t you? I’ll bet you were banking on that heathen Mayan calendar, weren’t you? 2012 just looks better, doesn’t it?

Jesus: Now you’re just being hateful. “God is Love, remember?”

Father: Right. Well, regardless of that, I’m giving Harold your job.

Jesus: …

Father: of Messiah. Savior. First-born over all creation and First-fruits of the redemption.

Jesus: You can do that??

Father: Oh, please. I can do everything except make a rock so large I can’t lift it. You know I’d been meaning to make the change ever since that embarrassing display with the foot-washing. But Jesus! Don’t look so devastated. It’s not like I’m not disowning you. You can be like Esau to Harold’s Jacob.

Jesus: But I’m waaay older than Harold! Jacob and Esau were twins.

Father: Look who’s finally paying attention to their Torah studies…

Jesus: So I’ll still be your Son?

Father: Sure. But you might need to stop capitalizing the “S”.

Jesus: Then what are my new duties?

Father: Manager of Merchandising.

Jesus: Salt on a dung-heap! You’ve got to be joking.

Father: Hey… if I were joking, you would be laughing. But enough of this… you’ve got to get down there already. Gabriel has his trumpet out of the case, and he’s getting impatient.

Jesus: Fine. What should I do when I get down there?

Father: Don’t worry about that. You just show up with Gabe, and he’ll make the announcement. Harold Camping will rise first, and you can let him take it from there.

Jesus: Oh God.

About rwiksell

I am a former church-planting pastor, currently active as a wedding minister, and the leader of a spiritual discussion group at a local bar called Scotch & Soda. By day, I am the graphic designer and production manager for a historic print shop called Traders Printing, located in downtown Springfield, Missouri. My wife Christina and I have been married for 9 years now, and we live in a turn-of-the-century bungalow on the north side of Springfield with our dog Abbi, and our cat Charlie.
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7 Responses to A Bad Day for Jesus

  1. rwiksell says:

    Yes, this post is pretty blasphemous, but that’s the point. Harold Camping, by claiming to know the date of the Rapture, is making Jesus, who doesn’t know the day or the hour, out to be a fool. So the above conversation would fit very well into Camping’s paradigm.

    No angry comments, please… unless you’re a Camping disciple.

  2. gary says:

    This is probablly the funniest most clever blogpost you’ve ever made!

  3. rwiksell says:

    Thanks! (feel free to spread it, eh?)

  4. Funny! I had no idea Jesus could be demoted. Theological question: I thought Gabriel was the announcing angel…?

  5. rwiksell says:

    True enough… fixed. Thanks for helping me get it right!

Comments are closed.